The search for the Lazy Saturday

I love the idea of sleeping in on a weekend and having a day of laziness. Unfortunately, no matter how much I long to experience it, I simply cannot succeed at having one of these days. I can sometimes manage it when my BF is here, but otherwise, when I am on my own (which I am 90% of the time), it's hopeless. There are several reasons for this:

1. IF I am ever going to see my BF during his work week, it is most likely to be on a Sat or Sun morning when he gets off work and I am waking up. Sadly, he often has a late arrest or is "too tired" to come to my house after work. Still, that doesn't stop me from waking up at 7:00 and watching the clock tick away until it turns about 8:00, at which point it's pretty much guaranteed that he is stuck at work or he won't be coming over. Once I'm up, I'm up for good.

2. You might remember my neighbors. They are loud at any hour of the day they feel is appropriate with no regard whatsoever for anyone around them. If our dog wants to play catch with a lumpy bowling ball at 6:00 in the morning on a Saturday, then let's get it on! (today) If we want to have a raging party starting at 3:00 a.m on Saturday that rages on until, oh, 6:00 a.m., we will (last Saturday). We will do this in spite of the fact that our irritated brunette neighbor below (after pounding on the ceiling with the flat end of a swiffer for the first two hours of the party) pounded on our door at 5:00 a.m. and made a request to PLEASE ask that girl to take her HEELS off while walking around on the hardwood floors, lower the music, put away the lumpy bowling ball and muzzle the dog. Instead of being considerate human beings, we'll just say "Sorry, dude" in our best stoner LOSER FUCK voice and have EVERYONE put on their heels so we can have a runway show!*

3. I hate working out. It's the worst 90 minutes of my day, but I have to do it. So that automatically makes my lazy Saturday at least 90 minutes less lazy than the average person wishing for a lazy day.

4. The way I see it, a lazy Saturday afternoon is not complete without a greasy meal. If I could do this, I would go to Silver Cloud and get grilled cheese with tomato soup, a side of tater tots and a large diet coke. I have calculated this very meal on Weight Watchers, and the only part of it I can do is the large diet coke; I don't think I have to tell you that the diet coke part of the meal isn't really the point of going to Silver Cloud.

5. I have to grade papers. I probably won't do as much grading as I should, but if any amount of grading goes on, the lazy factor is automatically lost.

Don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of couch sitting on the weekends, and if I'm lucky, I'll take a little nap during the day. But what I really want is the full lazy Saturday treatment, which would involve:
a. Wake up at 11:00 after a night of heavy drinking and smoking in a bar
b. Roll out of bed, throw on jeans and my black Banana Republic turtle neck and go to Silver Cloud
c. Come back home.
d. Sit on couch. Watch "What Not To Wear", Seinfeld, Golf (great napping material), Arrested Development. Sleep for a large portion of the TV watching time
e. Keep doing this until it's time to go out again.
f. Repeat on Sunday.


* As I write, one of the neighbors is STOMPING around up there, which is what woke me up for the little cat nap I managed to get in. I have wished death on these people so many times that if one of them actually dies suddenly, I am certain a thorough investigation by the authorities will lead to my incessant wishing that they die.