Female Unbonding
I'm notoriously bad at breaking up with people. I don't mean just boyfriends (but I am, in fact, terrible at breaking up with them too), I mean friends. Here's a good example.
I made friends with a girl in junior high. Even at that time, I wasn't nuts about her. But she was the first person I met when I moved into the new town, so I was just happy to have a friend at all; I wasn't about to be picky just because she had bad taste in music and was wearing spandex teal biker shorts and a tie-dyed shirt the first time I met her. She was friendly, but we didn't have much in common, even in 6th grade. Still, I hung out with her because she was nice, and her circle of friends welcomed me in. Through high school, we continued to be friends, although only casual ones. When college came around, I thought I'd finally freed myself of her, until the internet thing caught on, and she tracked me down at Marquette. She started emailing me, and I, of course, replied and continued to feign interest in her dull life.
Fast forward 10 years, and she is still my friend, although, once again, only a casual one. And I am not happy about it. To make matters worse, our parents became friends while we were away at school, making a breakup even more impossible. I am sure I am coming across as evil in admitting that I pretended to like a person for a good 18 years, but you'd understand if you met this girl why I never really liked her. First of all, she's Republican. And I don't mean a level-headed conservative who just has different views on, say, social security than I do; I can be friends with people like that (hell, I'm dating a person like that). I mean I went to her house one day and saw Ann Coulter's "How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must)" book sitting on the kitchen table. Ann FUCKING Coulter, people! Can any liberal truly be expected to have a friendship with a woman her reads that filth? Of course not! On top of that, she became one of those people that tries to sell stuff to her friends. Girls, you know the kind of friend I am talking about. She has makeup parties and sells a product called Arbon out of her home. *When you go to her house, there are Arbon catalogues filled with $500 jars of eye cream and skin firming agents. She doesn't pressure you to buy it; she just gives you her "no-nonsense" I'm-not-into-this-kind-of-thing-either, but-it's-just-such-a-quality-product! routine. The arbon thing grew out of her next big flaw; she's on a very tight budget, which she will tell you roughly 19 times in the first hour of meeting her. It will become immediately apparent to you that she and her husband hoard their money and forgo any type of entertainment or joy in their lives just so that they can say they have enormous amounts of money saved. Finally, overall, we have nothing in common. She lives in the suburbs. She has kids. She married her high school sweetheart. She thinks gays are evil. She has dogs. And cats. In a big stupid house. She has never lived in the city. Never wants to. Can't understand why anyone would. She's fiscally responsible. She's conservative. **She "runs errands." Why, in god's name, would she want to be friends with me anyway? What possible appeal does a girl like me have when you are a girl like her?
I finally had enough recently (I think the last straw was after she named her child something ridiculous), and I have officially dumped her. I just didn't answer the phone one day. And I never returned her call. After she had the kid whom she gave the ridiculous name to, I didn't send a gift, which pretty much seals the deal on 30-year-old woman breakups.
* If any of my readers sell Arbon or anything like it, please do not be offended. If this were her only flaw, I would forgive it and probably buy a jar of eye cream to support her.
** I hate the word errands; but worse, she says it ALL the time, and invites others to go with her, as if this is her idea of fun.
I made friends with a girl in junior high. Even at that time, I wasn't nuts about her. But she was the first person I met when I moved into the new town, so I was just happy to have a friend at all; I wasn't about to be picky just because she had bad taste in music and was wearing spandex teal biker shorts and a tie-dyed shirt the first time I met her. She was friendly, but we didn't have much in common, even in 6th grade. Still, I hung out with her because she was nice, and her circle of friends welcomed me in. Through high school, we continued to be friends, although only casual ones. When college came around, I thought I'd finally freed myself of her, until the internet thing caught on, and she tracked me down at Marquette. She started emailing me, and I, of course, replied and continued to feign interest in her dull life.
Fast forward 10 years, and she is still my friend, although, once again, only a casual one. And I am not happy about it. To make matters worse, our parents became friends while we were away at school, making a breakup even more impossible. I am sure I am coming across as evil in admitting that I pretended to like a person for a good 18 years, but you'd understand if you met this girl why I never really liked her. First of all, she's Republican. And I don't mean a level-headed conservative who just has different views on, say, social security than I do; I can be friends with people like that (hell, I'm dating a person like that). I mean I went to her house one day and saw Ann Coulter's "How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must)" book sitting on the kitchen table. Ann FUCKING Coulter, people! Can any liberal truly be expected to have a friendship with a woman her reads that filth? Of course not! On top of that, she became one of those people that tries to sell stuff to her friends. Girls, you know the kind of friend I am talking about. She has makeup parties and sells a product called Arbon out of her home. *When you go to her house, there are Arbon catalogues filled with $500 jars of eye cream and skin firming agents. She doesn't pressure you to buy it; she just gives you her "no-nonsense" I'm-not-into-this-kind-of-thing-either, but-it's-just-such-a-quality-product! routine. The arbon thing grew out of her next big flaw; she's on a very tight budget, which she will tell you roughly 19 times in the first hour of meeting her. It will become immediately apparent to you that she and her husband hoard their money and forgo any type of entertainment or joy in their lives just so that they can say they have enormous amounts of money saved. Finally, overall, we have nothing in common. She lives in the suburbs. She has kids. She married her high school sweetheart. She thinks gays are evil. She has dogs. And cats. In a big stupid house. She has never lived in the city. Never wants to. Can't understand why anyone would. She's fiscally responsible. She's conservative. **She "runs errands." Why, in god's name, would she want to be friends with me anyway? What possible appeal does a girl like me have when you are a girl like her?
I finally had enough recently (I think the last straw was after she named her child something ridiculous), and I have officially dumped her. I just didn't answer the phone one day. And I never returned her call. After she had the kid whom she gave the ridiculous name to, I didn't send a gift, which pretty much seals the deal on 30-year-old woman breakups.
* If any of my readers sell Arbon or anything like it, please do not be offended. If this were her only flaw, I would forgive it and probably buy a jar of eye cream to support her.
** I hate the word errands; but worse, she says it ALL the time, and invites others to go with her, as if this is her idea of fun.
posted by Sue Ellen Mischke at 5:17 AM
31 Comments:
Wow, I didn't know anyone still read Ann Coulter.
I don't like her either, and I haven't even met her!
I had a friend like that, which our group has only just cut loose. We nicknamed her 'fun-sucker'. For obvious reasons. She was allergic to everything, well not really, but it was like that. She didn't drink, hated smokey clubs, pizza, everything! And she would cancel things in advance, because she 'might' have a headache that day. We are talking about parties that were like a month away. GRRR!!
Congrates on finally getting rid of her!
Why do we (women) always have to preface something we say that, while may hurt someones feelings, we truly mean by saying "maybe I'm being evil but..."?
I do it too.
When the hell did being honest become being evil?
Besides, people who read Ann Coulter deserve what comes to them. Blech.
She's awful. I really want to know the ridiculous name of her kid now. But I know you can't tell me.
Worst name I've heard around town recently is Kalifornia. That's right, with a K. Bad name no matter what AND bonus kree8ive spelling!
I hate sales parties. Hate them.
While I've never read Ann Coulter, have you ever thought that maybe she has that book because she wants to work on a friendship with YOU? She obviously realizes you're a liberal, so maybe it was her own self-help book to deal with your estranged relationship. She befriended you when you were new: at a time in your lives when it was easier to belittle an outsider than accept them into their life. And if you're dating someone similar to her, where is your relationship headed-a break-up? Are you only tolerating him until someone else comes along? I know you commented on him being a level-headed conservative, but once a conservative always a conservative.
Just a few thoughts to give you a fresh perspective.
ND, yes, sadly, there are people that read that woman.
Adam, no, I don't suspect you'd like her. She's not a bad person (except for the whole hating gays thing), but we just didn't have much in common anymore. As for the fun-sucker, wow, that's brutal.
Lux, I debated about including that phrase. I don't think it's evil to be honest. I just know there are some people out there (i.e. the anon poster on this very page) who think it's wrong to be honest about certain things.
Will, yeah, it's a bad one. You'd love it.
Esbee, kree8ive is HILARIOUSLY bad! The spelling of the name isn't what bothers me in her case, although there are few things I hate more than changing the spelling of a word to be cute.
Anon, there is a big difference between a conservative and Ann Coulter. I was raised by conservatives. Many of the people I love (not merely "tolerate" as you said) are conservative. I assure you; a conservative would not read this book to get tips on how to remain friends with a liberal. Ann Coulter is not in the business of helping conservatives and liberals see eye-to-eye. The fact is, we became friends in 6th grade. Am I indebted to a person for the rest of my life simply because she made me feel welcome at a time in our lives when EVERYONE was vulnerable? That's absurd! People grow apart. Those are the sad facts of life. And when two people form a relationship at 14 (or 22, which I suspect you are referring to a different relationship of mine in your comment), a time of transition and change in one's life, one might just come to realize that the relationship is no longer working. It's not a commentary necessarily on the other person as much as it is a commentary on the nature of relationships as whole. Finally, I'm not going to sit here and defend my love for my boyfriend; whatever you think you know about him and me, you are probably wrong.
Not sure what to say in response to this post other than it strikes me as kind of harsh. Am I a party pooper?
4D, I am not surprised you feel that way...
...Marc, nor am I surprised that you feel that way. I like to think of it as edgy. It just got old being friends with someone I'd never had anything in common with. I think I'm getting too old for that.
Hah! Male Unbonding was on TV last night, followed by The Stock Tip. Those early episodes are silly!
I made that title for you *! I knew you'd get it!
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From the little that I know of the situation, it appears as though she probably needs a friend. You're someone she's known a long time and who has always been nice to her. She may not be your favorite person in the world, but your friendship could well have meant more to her than you know.
Look at it this way... Was Harry Potter happy about Neville Longbottom taking to him at Hogwarts? Probably not. Neville certainly wasn't Harry's favorite person... but Harry was always nice to him and stood up for him. That's what set Harry apart.
I guess I'm a party pooper :)
Marc, I was never mean to her. I just stopped being friends with her. She has children, a husband and friends in the suburbs. I don't think she needed my friendship that badly. It's not like we talked on the phone everyday either. We talked once a month or so, and we hung out every couple of months. I think she's surviving without me.
I'm surprised that people think I should continue to be friends with someone I don't like that much. I'm almost 30 years old! This isn't high school anymore where I have to worry about running into people in the halls or what people will think about me. I barely have time for the friends I do like, my family and my boyfriend. Why would I make time for a relationship that I no longer value?
As for the Harry Potter analogy, that's completely lost on me, as I have neither seen the movies nor read the books. But I bet when Harry is 30, he'll get fed up with being friends with someone he doesn't like.
I'd better post something else soon so we can move onto a new topic!
I have a friend (several) that sell Arbonne too. I know the pitch and I even bought the $550 "full set". I used it and got a full set of zits!
I think you are right to break with her, suburbs, kids, yikes!
Anon, jeez!! $550!! You are way better friend than me. I think there was a jar of nail polish that I thought about buying just before the break up. But a full set of zit-inducing products for $550! You're a saint.
BA, yeah, I thought about that. I'm usually agressive-aggressive, but in the realm of breakups, I admit, I totally suck at it.
But I just couldn't picture myself having that break up conversation with her... "Listen, you read Ann Coulter and sell expensive skin care products. Could you honestly expect me to be your friend?" It's just too awkward.
As someone who came across your blog by searching for G.O.B. quotes, I wonder what your readership is like, particularly after a post like this. Not because I disagree with your actions / motivation, but because she might stumble across it. As a high school teacher I have eschewed any internet presence, largely because I fear one of my students might find it. I tend to be a paranoid person in general, but I was curious as to whether or not you thought there was a chance that this lady would read your post.
I love it! I am bad too. I can only break up with friends if I am in a different city than they are. I totally want to end things with my only other black gay guy friend because over the course of knowing him, I have discovered he is weird, irritating, strange, and annoying. And did I say weird, irritating, strange and annoying? Anyway, I have drastically cut back on my time with him, but I still feel like I must invite him to parties, etc. Ugh! If only he started reading Ann Coulter!!!
xxcruser88x, well, I guess it's possible that my kids could see it, but it's highly unlikely. I used to have photos on here, but I took them off after I read your comment. I don't use my real name either. Even if on the off-chance they did find it, all they'd find out is that I'm kind of bitchy sometimes. I don't write about sex and only sometimes mention drinking, and something tells me they assume I drink already. As for the girl, again, highly unlikely. She never knew I had a blog, so what would make her start searching around on blogger for me?
Dwight, yeah, I feel your pain. I guess you'll just have to move!
I hate to think that I've infected you with my paranoia enough to remove your pictures. My senior students have some sort of fascination with my life outside of class, I think because I'm one of the younger faculty members. At one point they asked me why I didn't have a facebook page. I asked how they knew I didn't, and they told me that they (3 of them) had spent hours of their Tuesday night searching for anything about me online. You're probably safe, as there's much more to do in Chicago than there is in small-city Virginia. Again, sorry if I transferred any of my issues.
cruser, don't worry about it. I was probably getting too assured of my ability to go undiscovered by my students anyway. My freshmen are obsessed with my personal life, probably for the same reason your seniors are. I made the mistake of mentioning my boyfriend the cop once and now they ask about him just about 3 times/week. "How's the cop Ms. Mischke?" "Do you want to marry the cop?" "Is the cop buff?" They're cute though, and I cannot help but laugh at it. I also had a couple seniors tell me I should get a facebook page. No chance.
And I'm sure you'll get this ref: "Cartwright!"
Has the thought ever crossed your mind that maybe this "friend" of yours is doing the exact same thing you so proudly blogged about here? How the hell do you know you mean so much to her, or that she even wants to be your friend? Sounds like she went out on a limb to befriend someone and maybe she didn't know how to get out of it either, but because she is obviously more charitable than you,she continued to feign interest in you, because telling you her true feelings may have demolished your ego?
Just some food for thought.
Anon, I have no illusions that this woman is at home pining after me or that I 'meant so much to her.' In fact, I stated clearly that we were merely casual friends; she hasn't even made an attempt to reconnect with me. Because of that, I feel little guilt about breaking up with her; frankly, she never seemed that thrilled about hanging out with me to begin with. She called every few weeks and we sat in her kitchen talking about her budget and her babies. Why the hell would she be thrilled to hang out with me? We're nothing alike, and that's fine with me.
You call her "charitable" for remaining friends with me. That's just stupid. I don't think it's charitable to remain friends with someone you don't like; it's phony. I'm 30-fucking-years-old. I am done maintaining friendships that aren't important to me anymore. I have limited time to spend with my boyfriend, my family and the friends that I love. I cannot spend the little free time I have with someone with whom I have nothing in common. Why is that so difficult for people to grasp?
Finally, I wrote this blog not to brag "proudly" about anything. Just like all of my blogs, I wrote it because the idea of two adult friends breaking up is one of those things about life that amuses me. If you don't think it's funny, I would suggest reading someone else's blog because, frankly, you are likely to find a lot of my opinions equally offensive and bitchy.
As you said, "just some food for thought."
I think Wife and I are going through a similar thing with some friends of ours. The difference being that we genuinely like these people, but since a kid came into their lives things have changed. They have less free time, naturally, but even when we do get together, the baby (who admittedly is very cute) dominates the whole day, and you can't have a decent adult conversation. It's been a while since we last got in touch with one another. We'll see. But, for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
I've gone through something similar this past year when a longtime "friendship" ended. I believe part of the problem is that growing up, girls are taught (generally speaking) to be "nice girls". This often includes not expressing how we truly feel, respecting other people's feelings to the point of ignoring our own, and not upsetting anyone else.
It ends up becoming habit rather than friendship. Despite knowing that you're not enjoying her company and have nothing in common, you (like a lot of women though they might not admit it) find yourself feeling trapped.
Sure the other person might value your friendship more than you do hers as another poster pointed out, but why should you sacrifice your happiness just to placate her. It's not your fault that she has no other close friends. She could easily join a mothers group (moms and tots for example) in her neighbourhood. Simply having grown up together, gone to school together or shared a few experiences over the years does not a friendship make.
Don't feel guilty about it. THere are much worse things you could such as yelling at her and telling her all that's wrong with herlife and how much you don't like her. Whatever you do, I wouldn't admit to her that you've been "faking" your friendship (or however else some of the commenters want to phrase it) for the past however many years. If she does contact you again and confronts you on it, I would explain that people grow apart and you don't think you have anything in common any longer. Hopefully she will understand.
You're still being the "nice girl" in the end. You're not making her feel bad about herself. Likely she'll think you're just too busy.
For what it's worth, the post made me giggle out loud. It was funny and smart, and bitchy in an OK way. You had a front row seat to this (hell, you were on stage!) and you called like you saw it. Bully for you!
This girl annoys me and I haven't met her. I can't imagine how I would feel if I did!
I thought this blog was hilarious. Am I negative and dark, too? I am so curious, who is it? You are so mysterious online. Ann Coulter! So f'n funny.
I'd say you waited too long, but don't we all? I often have this inkling of hope that a "friend" will become someone I like, but it never happens. I gotta learn to drop it like it's hot realquick.
Roxy, I did wait too long, but I don't get myself into these kinds of things anymore. If I don't like a person right away, I'm not giving her a shot. I'm too old for that.
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