Gym woes
In an effort to save money, I have joined a new gym. The gym I used to belong to was 18 holes shy of a country club. Every piece of cardio equipment had a flat screen television attached to it. There was a free ice maker and water machine on every floor with complimentary cups so you didn't have to bring your own water bottle. The cafe had a salad bar, the best smoothies outside of a jamba juice and fresh-baked rolls. The locker room had granite countertops, some kind of fancy tile work and huge lockers. There was a nice dressing area with complimentary lotion, hairspray, gel, mousse, mouthwash and razors. It was nicer than any bathroom I've ever had in my own home. And I paid a hefty price for all of that-- to the tune of $90 a damn month.
Not so with the new gym. In fact, I paid a hair over $500 for a 15-month membership, which is a considerable savings. There are, like, a thousand locations in the Chicago area alone, so if I find myself in, say, Kanakee, and I have an urge to do some cardio, I'm in luck because there is probably a location there where my membership is accepted. I'd wager the Kankakee location is only slightly more unglamorous than the Lakeview location that I frequent. It's not that it's dirty, or dank or small, but it's just a plain old gym, which is unfortunate since I have to go roughly 4-6 days/week to keep my ass from getting big. And the Lakeview location is one of the nicer ones, or at least that's what "Brent" told me when he was taking my money for the membership. I signed up at the Lakeview location, but I went to the Old Town location one day to see what it was like, since it is slightly more convenient to my home depending on traffic. While that one did feature cardio equipment with televisions attached, I noticed that every single person was watching either MTV, BET or the CW. At my old gym, most people at least had the courtesy to PRETEND to have a brain and watched CNN or the History channel. There was even the occasional blue-blood Fox News viewer working up a sweat to Hannity and Combs. At the Old town location though, people shamelessly watched reality TV, dating programs and checked each other out, all while sculpting their ridiculously toned bodies. I simply cannot workout around people who do not understand the value of pretending to have an interest in something intelligent for a mere 60 minutes to spare oneself from looking stupid in a public place.
There was one girl who seemed less interested in working out than getting nailed in the men's locker room. She was wearing tall retro-inspired knee socks (you know, the ones with the colorful rings around the top that Dr. J might have worn in the 70s) hot pants, a thin sleeveless thing that just barely passed as a shirt, a black push-up bra and fucking PIG TAILS. Pig Tails! She paraded around the gym walking up and down the aisles like it was a catwalk and not once did she put her skinny ass on a piece of cardio equipment, which was a mystery to me because she did have a nice ass, that bitch. I was half expecting her to ask me to direct her to the nearest pole so she could prepare for her act for later that night. Anyway, I had only to go to that location once to know that I was not cut out for that. With my Target bought two-sizes-too-big yoga pants and yellowing Hanes "dago" tee (I can say that because I am a dago), I felt uncomfortable at this place that felt more like a night club than a gym. I admit I even felt a little threatened by all the veiny, muscly men pumping iron, and I feared I might get gang raped by a gaggle of roid-raged former frat boys clinging to their 20s in their tattered baseball caps. That is, after they got done with hot-pants-pig tails girl.
Instead I just go to the Lakeview location, which is about 7 minutes farther than the old, glamorous gym. That one is less intimidating, but there is no shortage of trampy looking girls and muscly dudes. One girl had a Chicago Sport and Social Club jersey on with the number 69 on the back and the words "Balls Deep" scrawled above it. Now that's class.
Not so with the new gym. In fact, I paid a hair over $500 for a 15-month membership, which is a considerable savings. There are, like, a thousand locations in the Chicago area alone, so if I find myself in, say, Kanakee, and I have an urge to do some cardio, I'm in luck because there is probably a location there where my membership is accepted. I'd wager the Kankakee location is only slightly more unglamorous than the Lakeview location that I frequent. It's not that it's dirty, or dank or small, but it's just a plain old gym, which is unfortunate since I have to go roughly 4-6 days/week to keep my ass from getting big. And the Lakeview location is one of the nicer ones, or at least that's what "Brent" told me when he was taking my money for the membership. I signed up at the Lakeview location, but I went to the Old Town location one day to see what it was like, since it is slightly more convenient to my home depending on traffic. While that one did feature cardio equipment with televisions attached, I noticed that every single person was watching either MTV, BET or the CW. At my old gym, most people at least had the courtesy to PRETEND to have a brain and watched CNN or the History channel. There was even the occasional blue-blood Fox News viewer working up a sweat to Hannity and Combs. At the Old town location though, people shamelessly watched reality TV, dating programs and checked each other out, all while sculpting their ridiculously toned bodies. I simply cannot workout around people who do not understand the value of pretending to have an interest in something intelligent for a mere 60 minutes to spare oneself from looking stupid in a public place.
There was one girl who seemed less interested in working out than getting nailed in the men's locker room. She was wearing tall retro-inspired knee socks (you know, the ones with the colorful rings around the top that Dr. J might have worn in the 70s) hot pants, a thin sleeveless thing that just barely passed as a shirt, a black push-up bra and fucking PIG TAILS. Pig Tails! She paraded around the gym walking up and down the aisles like it was a catwalk and not once did she put her skinny ass on a piece of cardio equipment, which was a mystery to me because she did have a nice ass, that bitch. I was half expecting her to ask me to direct her to the nearest pole so she could prepare for her act for later that night. Anyway, I had only to go to that location once to know that I was not cut out for that. With my Target bought two-sizes-too-big yoga pants and yellowing Hanes "dago" tee (I can say that because I am a dago), I felt uncomfortable at this place that felt more like a night club than a gym. I admit I even felt a little threatened by all the veiny, muscly men pumping iron, and I feared I might get gang raped by a gaggle of roid-raged former frat boys clinging to their 20s in their tattered baseball caps. That is, after they got done with hot-pants-pig tails girl.
Instead I just go to the Lakeview location, which is about 7 minutes farther than the old, glamorous gym. That one is less intimidating, but there is no shortage of trampy looking girls and muscly dudes. One girl had a Chicago Sport and Social Club jersey on with the number 69 on the back and the words "Balls Deep" scrawled above it. Now that's class.
posted by Sue Ellen Mischke at 11:48 AM
20 Comments:
Bo Jackson's going to be disappointed.
I don't think $90 a month is bad at all, especially for all that. Figure you are going six times a week, staying probably an hour or so, so that's 24-25 times a month. You were paying less than $4 a visit. I wager it's more expensive to see a two hour movie there than spend two hours at the gym, and you won't find free anything at the movies.
If I was going to hang out in a gym that much, I'd want to feel like it was nice and like I wasn't in danger of being gang-raped. It is necessary? Of course not. It would be my reward to myself for being dilligent about my exercise.
Someone must be happy nowadays...
Wow, I'm with Esbee on this! Was it the place where Oprah goes? My friend used to go there and LOVED it. I would be much more tempted to work out at a glamorous gym than an intimidating one. Then again, I joined Gold's because it's only $15/month with my Gov ID. Haha. I'm jealous of your old gym. And I miss Old Town!!!
Marc, Bo still has the key to my heart.
Esbee, that was my logic for the first 10 months of my membership. But the more broke I am, the better the cheap gyms look. I needed that kind of swank and glamour to motivate me to go to the gym; now I'm self-motivated so I'll go even though the threat of being gang raped should keep me away.
Dan, happy? Me? Don't be crazy. Don't mistake my lack of posting for happiness. I'm not any happier or more miserable than when I was posting regularly. Just busy.
Mappy, no I think Oprah went to the West Bank Club; I attended Lakeshore Athletic Club. Old Town is great, but Bucktown is better. Old Town is very swanky now-- almost Lincoln Park swanky.
Every other blog's mentioning gyms. You all turning into fitness fanatics or what??
As I said on RD's blog, several parents use the gym when their kids are gymnastics training. A 20 stone woman in a leotard and little skirt, a 4 foot dwarf in very baggy shorts, an unintelligible Scot who pops pills, a sikh who chants prayers on the cycling machine, a BIG Jamaican woman who laughs throughout her time on the jogging machine and me. I am in good company I think!
$90 is very cheap considering all that you got at the fancy gym. However, that works out to over a thousand bucks a year. Ouch, pretty steep. And if you're not taking advantage of everything and getting your full $90 worth, why not pay half the price and go to a different gym which will still provide you with the work out you need. I understand your reasons for switching although it would be great if we could all afford to pamper ourselves.
I "accused" you of being happy b/c you wrote in the past that you only blog when you are happy. So I took your post as evidence of your mood.
Meanwhile, the temperature is topping 90 again and I'm back in my funk.
Gyms should be free.
4D, I don't know that I'm a fanatic, but during the school year, all I do is workout and go to work. So I guess I don't have much going on.
Dan, I see. Yes, I guess I did say I blog more when I'm happy. But like I said, I've just been busy so no matter what my mood is, I just don't have much time or inspiration to write.
Karen, yes, that was my exact logic. It's not like I was taking any special classes or seeing a trainer. I just hop on the elliptical and stairmaster, do my weights and get the hell out of there. It was, however, as you said, pretty much the only way I pampered myself, unless you consider a bikini wax pampering.
Will, I totally agree. I feel so bitter paying someone to allow me to do something I hate so much. And even though I workout all the time, I hate every second of it.
That is pretty expensive!! Did they give you free stuff when you joined up???
I love my bag, water bottle and towel that my gym gave me when I signed up! And I'm in love with the shiny key ring they gave me too :P
Thats how I justify paying so much for mine...
Adam, I didn't get jack squat when i signed up at either gym, unless you consider a membership card a giveaway.
it could be worse. your gym could be named "health and sweat"!
I can't say i'd ever join a gym, at least a paying one. I pretty quickly learned you can kick your own ass for free doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. I know it's not glamorous and there are no mirrors, but it's free.
I wish I could say I am one of the "pretenders," but I have left the TV (not an individual TV attached to the elliptical, but one of 4 communal TVs) on a Gilmore Girls rerun or when I took a day off work the gym was empty enough for me to feel comfortable to change the channel to The Young & The Restless. :)
Lux, health, sweat and gang rape has a nice ring to it!
Julian, I need a little glamour to get me motivated I guess. I'm picturing a very Rocky type scene of me running up the steps of a museum, and it's not pretty.
Dwight, shame on you! But during the summer when I was pretty much alone in the gym, I did sneak a peek at All My Children once in a while.
I'll likely never join a gym again, but hell you really got me jonesing for it. (Um, you didn't really.)
I played Balls Deep in outdoor, co-ed volleyball in Chicago. True Story. I was subbing on a team called something-or-other's Money Shot. True, and even sadder, story.
Nah, a membership card is slack!! You should come to Australia, the land of the give away.
Its funny walking around in the city, and every second person has a Fitness First backpack, its quite sad!
Adam, do they giveaway airfare to Australia?
*, I'm nothing if not a motivator.
Anon, something about seeing "balls deep" on the back of a shirt is way worse than money shot on a shirt. In comparing the two events, I suppose a money shot is technically more disgusting than ball deep, but balls deep looks more vulgar in print.
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