"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"
I live a short bike ride from the beach. By my estimation, the fact that Chicago even has beaches and a beautiful (albeit occasionally-polluted) lake makes Chicago a solid 14 times better than most cities, but particularly NYC. I love the beach, and I often do my tanning there*.
On days when I don't feel like biking up there and making a day out of it, I tan on the rooftop sundeck at my gym after I workout. When I went out there the other day, except for the 17 or so 9-year-old daycampers eating lunch on the benches, no one else was there. Then this guy shows up shortly after I arrived. The fact that I did not at that moment possess a spy-sized digital video camera suddenly left bottomless black hole in my soul. In other words, you'd have to see this moron to believe someone like him actually exists. He is clearly gay, but he is too deep in the closet to admit it. He acts overly masculine, saying stereotypically chauvinistic things to try to hide how gay he is. He's not fooling me though; this shaven-head and shaven-body man with a lisp and a **perfectly rock hard body is ***gayer than a three dollar bill. I'd put him at about 40-years-old, divorced and wealthy. Here is a sampling of some of the things he said to the 16 different people he talked to on his cell phone in the 30 minutes I tolerated of him, which I did for the sole purpose of collecting fodder for this blog. Keep in mind, he chose to sit two chairs away from me, even though there are about 500 open chairs on the deck. Oh, and once again, keep in mind the 17 or so 9-year-olds eating their lunch about 20 feet away from us.
Conversation 1: Hey amigo! (as if that's not annoying enough) Yeah, hey listen, I was talking to this old guy at the gym today and he said I have a real bad boy reputation here at the gym. Oh yeah! Isn't that crazy? I guess everyone thinks I'm a real badass with my shaved head.
Conversation 2: Hey baby. How are the kids? God I love those fucking kids (don't forget the 9-year-olds behind us), you know that right? Yeah that little guy is fucking awesome.
Conversation 3: Hey man! Yeah we're going to Bolero tonight (a Cuban place by my house that gave me food poisoning). Yeah. Jeff will be there, Ellen will be there. Yeah, Ellen. She's doing good. I mean the divorce is final so, you know. Oh yeah, she's a player; we're all players. Oh yeah? Well get in line because I would like to hit that piece of ass. Oh yeah man! I'd do her.
Conversation 4: Yeah I went out with that freak from Schaumburg the other night. Oh yeah she's wild. You know her sister's a porn star. Oh yeah it's hot.
Conversation 5: (to Sue Ellen Mischke, who is holding an iPod in her hand) Hey you have an iPod? I bought one for my friend and she can't seem to get it to download any music for her.
SEM: Well, do you mean she can't download any music onto it?
Him: Yeah, I guess so.
SEM: Well does she have a Mac or a PC?
Him: Huh?
SEM: A mac or a PC?
Him: What do you mean? I'm not a techie or nothing.
SEM: Well, douchebag, you don't have to be a "techie" to be able to answer this question; you simply have to be able to SEE and READ. Does her computer have a picture of an APPLE with a bite taken out of it on the machine? Or does it have the words "DELL" or "GATEWAY" or something like that on it?
Okay maybe I didn't say that, but it drained all of my energy not to say that; I had to get out of there. I waited for his next conversation to start and I hit the road. One of my other favorite overhead conversations is in my sidebar as one of my favorite posts. It's called "Bruised Ego" if you haven't read it already.
What's the best thing you've ever overheard in a phone conversation?
* no lectures please
**Dwight, you'd love him; look for him at Marketdays this weekend.
***this phrase comes from a friend of mine. He was working at a used record store, and this guy came up with a ton of Queen music he wanted to buy. Feeling self-conscious, he said, legend has it in a thick hillbilly accent, "I don't care if he's gayer than a 3-dollar bill; that Freddy Mercury can sing!"
On days when I don't feel like biking up there and making a day out of it, I tan on the rooftop sundeck at my gym after I workout. When I went out there the other day, except for the 17 or so 9-year-old daycampers eating lunch on the benches, no one else was there. Then this guy shows up shortly after I arrived. The fact that I did not at that moment possess a spy-sized digital video camera suddenly left bottomless black hole in my soul. In other words, you'd have to see this moron to believe someone like him actually exists. He is clearly gay, but he is too deep in the closet to admit it. He acts overly masculine, saying stereotypically chauvinistic things to try to hide how gay he is. He's not fooling me though; this shaven-head and shaven-body man with a lisp and a **perfectly rock hard body is ***gayer than a three dollar bill. I'd put him at about 40-years-old, divorced and wealthy. Here is a sampling of some of the things he said to the 16 different people he talked to on his cell phone in the 30 minutes I tolerated of him, which I did for the sole purpose of collecting fodder for this blog. Keep in mind, he chose to sit two chairs away from me, even though there are about 500 open chairs on the deck. Oh, and once again, keep in mind the 17 or so 9-year-olds eating their lunch about 20 feet away from us.
Conversation 1: Hey amigo! (as if that's not annoying enough) Yeah, hey listen, I was talking to this old guy at the gym today and he said I have a real bad boy reputation here at the gym. Oh yeah! Isn't that crazy? I guess everyone thinks I'm a real badass with my shaved head.
Conversation 2: Hey baby. How are the kids? God I love those fucking kids (don't forget the 9-year-olds behind us), you know that right? Yeah that little guy is fucking awesome.
Conversation 3: Hey man! Yeah we're going to Bolero tonight (a Cuban place by my house that gave me food poisoning). Yeah. Jeff will be there, Ellen will be there. Yeah, Ellen. She's doing good. I mean the divorce is final so, you know. Oh yeah, she's a player; we're all players. Oh yeah? Well get in line because I would like to hit that piece of ass. Oh yeah man! I'd do her.
Conversation 4: Yeah I went out with that freak from Schaumburg the other night. Oh yeah she's wild. You know her sister's a porn star. Oh yeah it's hot.
Conversation 5: (to Sue Ellen Mischke, who is holding an iPod in her hand) Hey you have an iPod? I bought one for my friend and she can't seem to get it to download any music for her.
SEM: Well, do you mean she can't download any music onto it?
Him: Yeah, I guess so.
SEM: Well does she have a Mac or a PC?
Him: Huh?
SEM: A mac or a PC?
Him: What do you mean? I'm not a techie or nothing.
SEM: Well, douchebag, you don't have to be a "techie" to be able to answer this question; you simply have to be able to SEE and READ. Does her computer have a picture of an APPLE with a bite taken out of it on the machine? Or does it have the words "DELL" or "GATEWAY" or something like that on it?
Okay maybe I didn't say that, but it drained all of my energy not to say that; I had to get out of there. I waited for his next conversation to start and I hit the road. One of my other favorite overhead conversations is in my sidebar as one of my favorite posts. It's called "Bruised Ego" if you haven't read it already.
What's the best thing you've ever overheard in a phone conversation?
* no lectures please
**Dwight, you'd love him; look for him at Marketdays this weekend.
***this phrase comes from a friend of mine. He was working at a used record store, and this guy came up with a ton of Queen music he wanted to buy. Feeling self-conscious, he said, legend has it in a thick hillbilly accent, "I don't care if he's gayer than a 3-dollar bill; that Freddy Mercury can sing!"
posted by Sue Ellen Mischke at 5:56 PM
8 Comments:
Not only would I have stayed to listen to his other conversations I'd have followed him around for the day. Mind you he might have got upset at this hysterically laughing lunatic trailing in his wake.....what an accidental star arsehole!
The first Old Pretenders game after our annual tour one OP was on his mobile to his soon to be ex wife. "Honestly! I don't know where all those condoms in my luggage came from" (as if we would!)
At work (Heathrow Cargo Village) a Cargo Agent took a call. "Pardon? Oh sorry I only speak English I'm afraid. Yes English. Yes English. YES ENGERLISH. NO I'M NOT FRENCH! ENGERLAND. ENGERLISH! GERMAN?? NO ENGERLISH!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND PISS OFF!? WHAT PIZZA?? NO! PISS OFF! WHAT? ITALIAN? PISSA OFFA THEN!!"
Those overheard conversations are HILARIOUS, 4D! "pissa offa then!" That's great.
I won't lecture you on hating NYC since I think every part of the country that is not the northeast is worthless.
ND, I don't necessarily HATE NYC; I've been there many times, and I've enjoyed every trip. But Chicago is simply better. No need to argue with me; I can't be convinced otherwise. And I wouldn't go so far as to say every part of the country is worthless outside of it, but I will say that the Midwest is the only place on this planet I'd ever live. No matter where I've been, there's nothing like driving home from the airport and seeing the skyline of this beautiful city. It has no rival.
Although I am a teacher, and I love my job, my true calling is to work for the City of Chicago office of tourism. I'd quit teaching today if they offered me an entry-level job. I'd be employee of the month all year long.
Yeah, SEM, he does sound like a grade A jerk, so you're right, I probably would like him. :) I'll keep an eye out for him this weekend. But the lisp might be a dealbreaker.
I was once sitting in the lovely lobby lounge on a Friday evening at the Four Seasons Hotel just outside of downtown Dallas with my daughter, who was 11 at the time. There were six of us in the lounge, and somehow one guy, who was with his wife, needed to have a cell phone conversation, held at a volume guaranteeing everyone within 100 meters (I am in Canada now) could hear him. Every fourth word was fuck, there were not a few cocksuckers, and at least one miserable motherfucker. In fact, I was moments from walking over to introduce my child to this mobile pile of animal excrement when he got up and left. Biggest surprise was no one from the hotel walked over to call him to task.
You have got to get over this irrational need to declare Chicago superior to any other place in the world. On the one hand, I truly agree with you, Chicago is a lovely city, and if I couldn't trace some of the most fucked up moments of my life to living there, I might actually want to live there as well.
However, You have no shortage of counterparts raised and lovingly brought into adulthood in NYC who'd argue to their dying breath NYC has no peer. You are both right. It is 100% a matter of taste, and you are very clear where your tastes lie.
I do feel obliged, however, to call to your attention the fact that in the grand scheme of things, you have seen very few of the world's cities, perhaps 3 - 4%, if that. There are some amazing places out there that even someone as narrow minded (on this particular subject anyway) as you could actually fall in love with. My current infatuation is with the city of Berlin. I need pages to tell you why I would move to this city in a heartbeat if the opportunity allowed.
Chicago is an amazing place for you for so many very personal reasons: your family is there, some of your best memories are there, and it is ultimately -- for you -- the most familiar place on earth. Some people like to live in a snow globe, having their world shook up every now and then. Others like the calming influence of that which they know. One is not more right than the other.
So, how are you, anyway? And how are those babies?
Believe me, Canandian, I know there are plenty of NYC people who think it has no peer. And, yes, I haven't been many places and I am sure I would fall in love with many of them.
The babies are good. My dad is currently trying to design a collage of all three of them for me to put on the blog.
Hmm... I'm still not convinced Chicago has any beaches. I don't consider the shores of a lake to be beach. Beaches in my book need to be next to an ocean.
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