Talking in hands

I have a habit of talking with my hands. It's such a bad habit, that if someone chopped my arms off, I would not only be unable to hug, drive, eat, etc, but I would also be a mute. To illustrate the extent of this problem, I'll share a tale of the worst sub in the history of the distinguished career of subbing. I was in 3rd grade, and I had high hair and low self-esteem. I approached the desk where the sub was busily reading the newspaper and *smoking a Virginia Slim, to discuss the likliehood of her letting me use the restroom. There I stood, a fragile 3rd grade girl making her case for a trip to the bathroom. She interrupted me mid-sentence and the following conversation took place:
T: On top of that Mrs. Sub, I need to spray my bangs, and ...
S: Wait. Put your hands at your side and tell me again why I should let you go to the bathroom.
T: Ummm... What?
S: I want to see you talk without using your hands!
T: Pfft... no problem. I can do this.
(Tara makes an awkward attempt at speaking without her hands...)
T: See.. I, well, can I...?
S: You can't do it, can you?
T: Of course I can. Just give me a minute.
At this point, it was clear to me that I could not, in fact, make my case without the use of my hands, and I was desperately hoping the **cigarette in her hand would set the newspaper on fire to cause a distraction. To make matters worse, I could feel Dominic, Roberta and Frankie's hateful eyes burning a hole in my back as I stood at the front of the room. The kicker is that none of the kids in this room full of dagos could have accomplished what this sub was asking (an anglo we would have called "whitebread" behind her back). The nightmare wasn't over yet.
S: Someone come up here and hold her hands down at her side. Let's see if she can do it with a little help. (I am NOT making this up)
I might have been Ashish (the lone Indian boy in our school who, shamefully, we called Ashish-Kabob- shameful but clever), that volunteered to hold my hands down (gee, I wonder why). Needless to say, I felt pretty awful, but I made one last attempt at making my case for the bathroom. This failed when I substituted the nonverbal expression of flailing hands, with a bobbing head. I don't know if you remember when Cindy Crawford hosted House of Style on MTV, but she used her head to talk all the time. That's what I looked like. It was humiliating. I was clearly upset, but this didn't stop the sub from further ridiculing me in front of the class.
S: Someone come hold her head.
The class roared with laughter. I sat down, my hair flattening and my eyes welling up with tears. Roberta flashed a satisfied smile at me, and went back applying shimmery lipgloss in her sequin-studded pocket mirror.
Hmmm... this story is kind of a downer. If you're feeling bad for me, I should mention that I might have been the kid that coined the nickname Ashish-Kabob. I bet little Ashish is blogging about that awful Italian girl who talked with her hands.


* This isn't true. I made it up for impact.
** Again, there was no cigarette, but this would have been an excellent out.