Disturbing or hilarious?

On any given day, I hear some pretty interesting things as I roam the halls of the suburban high school where I teach. Some of the things I hear are kind of funny-- like the girl I overheard in the sophomore hallway near my room. "Jobs are hard when they make you do stuff," she said, in the most stereotypical 'bored teenage Midwestern girl' voice you can imagine. Mostly, though, they are disturbing. Once, as I worked at my desk, I heard a girl shout, and I do mean shout, to her friend in the hall, "I got LAID last night!" I felt like walking out there and offering her congratulations in her amazing feat. God knows it is a challenge to find someone to sleep with you when you are a teenage girl with low self-esteem.

By far the most horrifying thing I have ever overheard was said by a girl that was no older than 14. I was leaving the building and passing the mass of students waiting by the exit for their buses. This is a particularly perilous time to leave the building for a few reasons, not the least of which is that you are likely to overhear students in their first moments of freedom after being held captive in school all day. They are loud. They are rude. And they are crude. Apparently, they are also whores.

Here is what I heard Tuesday when I left work. A few boys and one girl were standing together waiting for the bus. One of the boys was carrying a platter of cookies, which he probably made in his "Foods" class. The girl said "I'll give you a blow job for one of those cookies."

Now, you have to understand; I walk past thousands of kids on a weekly basis. I hear stuff that I have to let slide-- curse words, arguments, anti-teacher propaganda-- even if it is my instinct is to turn around and beat the shit out of the offender. If I stopped every kid that appalled me, I would not make it to class. To be fair, I did not exactly ignore this girl, but I wish I had done more. As I stopped dead in my tracks, this misguided girl realized she had offered a blow job for a plate of cookies in front of a teacher. I simply turned to her and said, "Can you please at least have the courtesy not to talk like that in front of a teacher?" When I got in my car, I could not help but think I should have said more. But what? What can I possibly say to a 14-year-old who is willing to offer a blow job for a cookie? Here are some options:
1. "I will give you a lifetime supply of cookies if you promise never to offer sexual favors for cookies as long as you are alive."
2. "Come with me; we are going to the social worker."
3. "Give me your cell phone so I can call your parent/guardian and tell him/her what you just said."

The worst part was her reaction, or lack thereof. She glanced at me with this coy look on her face, a look like, 'oh I'm so ashamed that this old lady heard me being slutty. I'm so naughty aren't I boys?' I wanted to drag her by the hair into my car and tell her that she was making a fool out of herself. It was almost like she was proud.

On one hand, I find this story HILARIOUS. On the other hand, I find it disturbing. If it happened in a movie that was a parody about how high school girls are turning into cheap whores with low self-esteem, I would find it hilarious. But it was not a movie. It was at my job, and it was a real girl with low self-esteem who, at the very least, thought it was appropriate to portray herself as a cheap whore.

How about you? Is this disturbing or hilarious?*

*I won't be offended either way.

I'm not a dog person

I have a good friend who is the type of person who will do anything for you if you ask. Technically I do not ask for many favors from Friend, but I know when I do he will say yes. Because of that, and because I want to be a nice person, I am happy to help him out when he needs it. Then he got a Puppy. He's little, fluffy and energetic. When Friend asked me to dog sit Puppy for one night, I was not exactly thrilled at the idea of fulfilling this request. In fact, I was terrified. I have never had a pet in my life*, and this is the first dog I have ever really been around for more than a few minutes. But seeing as how I live three blocks from Friend, have a predictable work schedule and have been on the receiving end of one or more of Friend's favors and good deeds, it was a reasonable request which I felt I ought to fulfill.

My first task was stop at Friend's house on Monday and let Puppy out so he could pee. This is a manageable task, even if you had a relatively petless childhood. Sure it was kind of annoying trying to calm Puppy down enough so that I may put on his collar. And it was also a little frustrating trying to get Puppy to stay focused long enough to actually exit the building before he pissed with excitement. And frankly it tried my patience a little as I stood outside waiting for Puppy to find the right place to take a piss in the 8 degree weather. Not surprisingly, I also did not like picking up Puppy's poop. But I was out of there in under 10 minutes so I was feeling confident.

Once I got past that event, I figured the one night's stay on Thursday night would be a breeze. I mean, how bad could one night be? I kept a fish alive for a good three weeks when I was a kid, how could I fail at taking care of a harmless little puppy for one night?

How to fail at taking care of a harmless little puppy for one night in three simple steps:

Step 1: Do no play with Puppy. Friend left me a bag with toys, treats, food and a note. The note indicated that puppy would be eager to play once I got him home because he had been caged all day long. So I got Puppy in the house, and I thought, 'Ok, dog, play.' But he did not. He just stared at me as if he expected me to play with him. The idea of playing with the dog baffled me because, frankly, I do not know how to do that. I have seen people wrestling on the floor with dogs. But Puppy weighs maybe 5 lbs; I don't think he would last long in a wrestling match with a full-grown woman. And to be honest, if he were a safe wrestling weight, I would not roll around on the floor with an animal that licks his own asshole on a bet. I still do not know what Puppy expects of me. In fact, this very minute he is moping around with a bored look on his face and whining every so often. It is a little sad.
Step 2: Overestimate how long Puppy can go between bathroom breaks. That had to happen only once. Now I take him out every 10 minutes, which is great as Chicago is reaching its lowest lows of the winter.
Step 3. Make Puppy feel unwelcome in bed. Friend told me that Puppy likes to sleep in Friend's bed with him and has never slept in his own cage before. Friend said I did not have to let Puppy sleep with me, but I would probably have a better shot at a good night's sleep if I allowed him to do so. So I laid down some towels on the bed, set up a barrier between him and I so his dirty paws did not touch me. I figured I had met all the requirments for a good night's sleep, even for an animal. Not the case. I was very tired yesterday so I try to lie down in bed by 9:30. Puppy looked at me like I was joking. So he whined, and cried, tried to get out of bed, and stared at the door, and tried to jump on me several times, in a failed attempt to be charming and playful. Finally I realized two hours had passed since the last time I took him outside. There I was in the below zero temps trying to convince Puppy that he should be peeing, not trying to chase his tail, make his paws dirtier by running around in the snow or chasing the occasional car that passed. When we got back in the house, I put Puppy on the floor and let him whine until he gave up. I feel asleep, and when I woke up at around 2:00, Puppy was still awake, curled up under my nightstand and listening to Miles Davis with me.

Overall, I have decided that while I may like the occasional visit with this puppy and others like him, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a dog person.


* I did have a fish once, but I didn't realize until this dogsitting incident that owning a fish does not qualify one as a pet owner.