It's Monday right?

Sometimes, when my boyfriend is over, and I am about to take my daily dose of birth control, I'll open the pack and say something like, "Umm it's Monday, right?", even though I know it's a Wednesday. I think this is a hilarious way to make him nervous and think I stupidly missed TWO whole days of birth control. I get a hearty laugh about it every time, even if my boyfriend is neither amused nor concerned. I mean, I can count on one hand the number of times I've missed even one pill. But two? I've never missed two! You'd have to almost want to be pregnant to miss TWO pills.

My flawless birth control streak was finally broken tonight, and I assure you, I do not want to be pregnant. I opened the pack of pills to take my dose of birth control, which as you may know is supposed to be a daily one, and I saw that it is in fact Wednesday but somehow the pills for Monday and Tuesday were still residing in the not-so-discreet purple carrying case. I actually did open the pack and say, to no one in particular because I was alone at the time, "Ummm it's Monday, right?" As a teacher on summer break, I can't tell the difference between Monday and Wednesday (both of which, during the school year, have a distinct feel). That doesn't do me much good because my ovaries do know the difference. The point is, Sue Ellen Mischke is in big trouble (that third-person point of view makes this easier to cope with). I read the informational packet to determine what happens when one misses TWO pills. As it turns out, what happens is that if one has sex on either of the two days that one misses the pill, one can become pregnant. I won't go into details (because this blog is not THAT kind of blog), but I can assure you, this piece of information did not ease this one's concerns.

10 reasons I am, let's call it "hesitant", to have children:
1. Getting fat
2. Driving a minivan
3. $$$$$
4. Not being able to rebound from #1
5. Wearing sweatpants in public
6. Thinking #5 is okay
7. Fucking up my kid for life (this one is kind of a big one for me)
8. $$$$$ (so is this one)
9. The inevitable upcoming shotgun wedding
10. $$$$$

Anyone care to ease my fears with at least one reason I shouldn't be concerned out right now?

Brand (f***ing) loyalty

I started watching the first season of Deadwood. I love it if only because it teaches me fresh ways to incorporate the word fuck into my vocabulary, which is appreciated. More importantly, what I learned in high school is basically the extent of my knowledge of the Old West and the Gold Rush, so I like that the show is teaching me a little something about that era. While I watch it, I have my computer on my lap so I can look up the background of the characters. I knew Wild Bill Hickock was a real person, and I was pretty sure I'd heard of Calamity Jane, but I was surprised to find out that many of the characters were real people, such as Al Swearengen, Seth Bullock (hello- HOT) and EB Barnum.

Prior to my Deadwood marathon, I did some hard core cleaning yesterday. With my new roommate in the house, I had the opportunity to try out some fancy new cleaning products. What fun! She has a special toilet bowl cleaning product, an orange-scented furniture polish, even a high-tech Rubbermaid bucket. It was heaven. All of this exploration of new brands got me to thinking about brand loyalty. For example, I have two cleaning products to which I am loyal- Pledge for cleaning furniture and Soft Scrub for cleaning the bathroom. I remember the first time I went to the store to buy my own cleaning products when I got my own place in college. It was like I was on autopilot as I filled my cart; I picked all the same stuff my mom has in the house. I've since dropped my brand loyalty to glass cleaners and laundry detergents, but I can't let go of Soft Scrub or Pledge.

People are funny with their brands, and I always wonder from where these loyalties originate and when people are willing to deviate. I have lots of products that I am willing to buy generic or because they are on sale. For example, I would never buy brand name contact solution. Never. What's the point? It's all saline and some kind of "no rub" cleansing chemical that probably doesn't make any difference anyway. Razors are another thing I don't give a *fuck-all about, and I refuse to buy shaving cream because I think it's a gimmick and totally unnecessary. Deodorant is another non-issue for me, but I found out recently by surveying a few women I work with that I am alone in this. If a particular brand is on sale, I'll buy it. I don't care what it smells like, if it is a "clear solid" or if it's pH balanced for a woman. As long as it prevents me from smelling like a tourist after a long day in Disney World, I'm in.

My brand loyalties extend beyond Pledge and Soft Scrub. I'm very brand loyal to Verizon. You are probably familiar with their slogan "We Never Stop Working For You." Well, it's totally true. It's the one company I've dealt with that I can count on to accommodate my needs. All I have to do is tell them I've been a customer since the day the company existed and they'll sell me a Motorola Razr Phone (more on Motorola later) for $50, cut me a deal on text messaging, and get rid of a 411 charge if the operator was an incompetent *fucknut. In a related matter, I am also loyal to Motorola. When I ran my first Motorola phone through a washing machine and it worked when it came out, I knew this was the brand for me. I'm also loyal to Aveda, which is my newest preference. It's costly but my hair and skin have never looked better. Finally, in college, I was loyal to Bud Light, but that was only because I went to school in Milwaukee and I wanted to be a pain in the ass in a Miller town. Had I gone to St. Louis University, I probably would have been brand loyal to Miller Lite.

What are your brand loyalties? And what products are you willing to buy generic or on sale?


* A use of the word fuck I learned while watching Deadwood. Brilliant!

Last supper

I went to Target today with the intent to purchase one item- a rug pad. I ran into a familiar problem: I came home with more than I had planned. I bought the rub pad, a bike lock, two shirts (they were only $6.99), a backpack, and a bike lock. This total was $97, which isn't bad, for all I came home with, but it means I have to cancel either the haircut or the color I scheduled for next week. This will require some serious decision-making, which I may or may not have mentioned I suck at.

My boyfriend and I went for pizza tonight. We went to one of my favorite spots in Chicago, a hip pizza joint in Wicker Park called Piece. It is not "Chicago" pizza. In fact, it might even be closer to "New York" style pizza. There are lots of places that I feel have better pizza, but very few that have a hipper atmosphere. Today we were sat a table that already had six girls at it, which I didn't even know communal seating was a practice at Piece. As the hostess sat us at the table, my boyfriend and I looked at each other like "Uh... is this a mistake?" I felt like the odd-girl-out at a sorority pledge party. It was weird at first but eventually I got used to having giggling former sorority girl-types at my table. That's because I was distracted by the pizza that had arrived. Pizza could distract me from just about anything. I can eat pizza like it's my job. If I got paid by the slice, I could quit teaching tomorrow. And there I was at a table with a bunch of dainty girls who barely touched their pizza. My boyfriend likes pizza quite a lot too, so we both agreed that pizza would be part of our last meal were we facing execution. Here's the menu for my last meal:

1. Double-dough pizza with extra cheese (probably from Pete's, Rosati's or Salerno's)
2. French fries (from anywhere really but I do like a good waffle fry)
3. Grilled Cheese (from, of course, Silver Cloud)
4. Lots of Diet Coke (at this point, why Diet right?)
5. Something that tastes best when dipped into ranch dressing (which is just about anything if you ask me, but I might go with breaded fried zucchini)
6. Mozzarella sticks
7. A big old pint of this

If that doesn't look like the last supper request of a 10-year-old boy, I don't know what does.

What would be your last meal request?

Looking up

It's summer festival season in Chicago, and tomorrow starts one of the better ones on Randolph St. in the West Loop. I'll be there tomorrow night to enjoy the view (it has the highest population of ridiculously attractive people) and see Sunvolt, whom I don't really even like that much. I spent the day on the beach today (my bikini made its North Ave. Beach debut), and I plan to do the same tomorrow (this time on Oak St. beach) so I can get a tan to compete with the all the Randolph St. hotties. Ahhh summer vacation...
My sister, Melissa, gets home from the hospital tomorrow. My parents have been helping out by watching Rosa and Gianna while Tony, my brother-in-law, visits my sister and Anthony in the hospital. Melissa had a cesarean so she was laid-up all week, and it seems to be wearing on my otherwise tolerant parents. I plan to head out to the 'burbs on Saturday to lend a hand. Melissa cannot pick up the girls because of her incisions; this does not sit well with Rosa and Gianna so someone has to be
there to distract them while she recovers. I'll do my best, but I'm a somewhat inadequate substitute for mommy (or grandma for that matter).
Finally, another piece of good news. I talked to the BF today. We are going to do some work on our relationship. I feel so much better; it put a lot of my concerns and doubts to rest when he agreed to the conditions I had for getting back together. I won't go into details, but it's good. I'm so glad. So are my parents, who are quite fond of him. Things are finally looking up.

Anthony Robert

Some good news: My sister had her baby on Monday. It was a boy, and his name is Anthony Robert. We were convinced it would be a girl since she has the two girls. He was 7 lbs. 7 oz and 22 inches. He has his daddy's nose, which means it's quite big. My sister is doing well.

Hiatus

I broke up with my boyfriend, and I feel like shit. It started with a minor disagreement, and it ended with me finally calling him out on the things I feel are missing from our relationship. I told him at the end that I can't take it anymore and that meant I was breaking up with him. He said "If that's how you feel, that's fine. I have to go." It's like he doesn't even care. No, it's not LIKE he doesn't care; he essentially TOLD me he doesn't care. Which is just great to know when you've spent two years with someone. I called him back a couple hours later, and he did not answer. I left him a message to tell him I'd like to talk to him about this and that I was not comfortable with the way our discussion and relationship ended. But I probably won't hear from him. The last time this happened, last April, he called me within a couple nights drunk and sad and begging for me back. As he is someone that never drinks or begs, it was quite an effective approach to get drunk and beg me. I didn't give in right away, but with time, I came around. It worked that time, but I don't think he'll be back this time because it is clear he does not care that I am gone. I don't see how he cannot care, but that's the impression he gave me. If you knew our entire history, you would understand why this is so hard. Breaking up is always hard anyway I guess.

So now I'm faced with a summer where, on my calendar, I have a little "K" marked for all of his days off. I'll look at that calendar and think about how we would have been together on that particular night, but we are not because he seems not to care that I am no longer a part of his life. I know when his vacation is; I know what days he has requested off and why. The icing on this cake of shit is that my therapist is out of town until, leaving me alone with this hole I feel in my heart.

This spells trouble for the blog. When I'm sad, blogging is difficult because I don't write well when I'm sad (as you can probably tell from this post). Also, I choose not to write about scandal or drama for obvious reasons so even if I do go on some mad drunken whore binge, I won't write about it. I'll try to be back soon, but I can't promise it will be any good.

Shirts and Skins World Cup Soccer

I've never been much for soccer. I know it's like the world's most popular sport and all, but I never had the opportunity to get into it. The fact is, the only sport I like is baseball so I don't take much of an interest in any sport, American or otherwise. The BF, on the other hand, is quite a soccer fan. So in order to make an effort to enjoy something he enjoys, I've been watching some of the games. I went to his house on the morning of the Germany/Costa Rica match (is that the right term?), and, as this was the first time I've watched a professional soccer game (again...), I was struck by several things, such as the chanting audience and the clock ticking up instead of down, but only one of the revelations has inspired me to continue watching this World Cup:

Soccer players are sexy.

Had I known this, I may have taken an interest in soccer at an earlier age. Hell, I may even have played soccer on the off-chance that I might meet a soccer player someday so I'd have something to talk about with him. And while I enjoyed watching these handsome fit men running around in circles for 90+ minutes (amazing, by the way), I kept wishing it was shirts and skins. In fact, I think the World Cup would be even more popular if this were the case. Maybe Verizon could sponsor it, and viewers could text their vote to determine which team is shirts and which is skins. I love this idea, and I hope someone from the World Cup is reading my blog and taking notes.

In other news, I was out far too late last night. An interesting fact. I was out with several graduates of the high school where I currently teach. The older sister of one of my students showed up to the bar I was at, where I was consuming countless shots of god knows what and drinking white wine like it was my job. I begged her not to tell her brother she saw Ms. Mischke at a bar getting hammered, but I'd wager she'll tell him. He's one of my favorite students ever, and he's a good kid. Still, that doesn't mean my lush-like behavior won't show up on his My Space page or something.

Finally, on a completely unrelated note, the Cubs are facing Cincinnati right now,. The Reds named their relatively new stadium "The Great American Ballpark." Really? In Cincinnati? That's funny, I know quite a lot of people who would argue that the Great American Ballpark is in, oh, I don't know, Chicago or Boston. I can't get over the people that came up with this name. It would be like naming your department store "Everybody's favorite department store" or your restaurant "Best New Restaurant in Chicago." Talk about tooting your own horn.

Etc

Tomorrow is my last wake-up. Well, it's not technically my last wake-up, at least I hope not, because I guess that would mean I am going to die in my sleep tomorrow night. No, it's my last early wake-up for school because SUMMER STARTS TOMORROW AT 11:30. I realize your calendar may say it starts on or around June 22, but your calendar is wrong. It starts tomorrow, June 8th at 11:30 when I've submitted my final grades, biatches!

Although I am excited that summer is beginning, I'm afraid. I'm afraid because for the first time in years, I don't have a summer job. I kept putting off looking for one, and now I've pretty much accepted the fact that I won't have one this summer. This sounds lovely at first, but as I'm sitting here on my couch tonight having watched my newest Netflix pick (Me and You and Everyone We Know) with no grading to do, I can tell already that I'm in big trouble. It's not even the first day of summer and I already bored. Bored! And what did I do today to alleviate the boredom? That's right, folks, I shopped. DAMN IT.

Now in my defense, I did, in fact, kind of need the items for which I shopped, but I probably could have survived without it. But more than need it, I deserved it. Tonight I shopped for a bikini. I've never done this in my whole life. Never. I've never worn a bathing suit that came in two pieces so closely resembling lingerie. Yet today, having lost quite a lot of weight, I went to the Gap and bought the most boring one they had (it's the one you see here, except it's black). I also bought a cute little skirt coverup. It's all very exciting.

There is good news buried under the joblessness that awaits me this summer. The first piece of good news is that I still get a paycheck all summer. The second piece of good news is that I will get to spend lots of time on the beach in my new bikini. The third piece of good news is that I signed up for Netflix to combat the boredom. The fourth and final piece of good news is that my boyfriend has a whole week off during the first week of July (2 years from the date we met in fact) so I am hopeful that we will get to spend more time together.

In other news, Dog Bites Man starts tonight. It's a new show on Comedy Central starring my best friend's brother Matt Walsh. It looks pretty damn funny, but I would watch it either way because I am the number one Matt Walsh fan, mainly because I've known his sister since 6th grade, but also because he's hilarious, both in person and in his career. Go Matt Walsh!!

Finally, the last bit of news I have is that my noisy neighbors have moved only to be replaced with yet another noisy person. The new tenant wakes up as early as I do. Normally this wouldn't be a problem for me (although I suspect it might be for my roommate), but now that summer is less than 18 hours away, it's going to be a problem when I am trying to "sleep in." I guess the floors in the apartment are old and creaky so I don't think she can control most of it, but I would like to make some suggestions to her should I ever get the balls to go up there and confront her (which I did once to my old neighbors). First of all, I'd like to suggest to Ms. Murphy (that's what it says on her buzzer) that she should try walking rather than STOMPING around the apartment, and that she should have a seat, as she apparently has a serious pacing problem. Secondly, I'd also like to suggest to her that she be more careful with heavy objects as she seems drop them rather frequently. My final suggestion to Ms. Murphy would be that she take off her shoes when she comes in the house at night and put them on just before she leaves in the morning, rather than when she has to make 6 or 7 more STOMPING trips around the apartment. Other than that, I think she's just great.

I'm getting a new roommate next week. Michael is moving down the block to live with our friend Amy and my girlfriend Sarah is moving in with me. It was an amicable separation that we decided on to help out Sarah and Amy. Sarah is a teacher too so I hope we can have some fun together this summer. We've spent the past couple summers going to the beach together every now and again, so she'll be the first to see me in my new bikini.

100 things

1. I was married once for 8 months.
2. We were together for 5 years prior to the marriage falling apart.
3. It was my fault.
4. This fact of my life weighs on me constantly; there isn't a day in my life that I don't think about some facet of the situation.
5. This also could have been condensed to occupy only one spot on this list; however, for better and for worse, I felt it was important that it occupy at least 5% of my list because it is at least 25% of who I am.
6. I probably have more regrets than any 29-year-old you know.
7. I'm an AWFUL decision maker.
8. Most people that meet my parents say I look exactly like my mom and have a similar personality to my dad.
9. I take that as a compliment because my mom is' hot and my dad is hilarious.
10. For several years, I thought the lyrics to California Love by Tupac were as follows: "California: No Doubt About It" (rather than "California knows how to party").
11. I have 2 nieces, Rosa and Gianna. Sometimes I cry just thinking about them in pain, be it minor pain like someone saying something mean or serious pain, like something awful happening to them.
12. This, combined with many other issues, makes me terrified of being a mom.
13. I also have another niece/nephew due in roughly 10 days.
14. My boyfriend is a cop, but we never do role- playing naughty cop stuff, even though people always assume we do.
15. I met him when he was in his uniform; he was working traffic duty and he stopped traffic so I (and 50 other people) could cross the intersection of Monroe and Columbus in Chicago.
16. Early in May, the Chicago Police Dept has the St. Jude Memorial march, where all off-duty officers march down Chicago Ave in their dress uniforms. This is unquestionably my favorite day of the year.
17. That march usually comes no more than one week after my birthday, which is my least favorite day of the year.
18. It's not that I feel old, it's that I had many expectations for where I would be by this age, and I have met only one of those thus far.
19. I get along better with men than women.
20. But I have a nice group of girlfriends whom I went to college with; most of them live out of state.
21. Even though I'm afraid to have kids, I have considered just not taking my pill to see if I will get pregnant.
22. I'm very insecure.
23. But I don't think that is outwardly apparent to most people who meet me.
24. I won "Funniest Laugh" "Odd Couple (with my then boyfriend) "Most Talkative" and, worst, "Most obnoxious" in high school. I am the only person in the school's history to have won so many "Senior Superlative" awards.
25. In nearly every conversation I am a part of, I am thinking of funny things I could say, even about inappropriate topics like death, abortion and war.
26. I'm usually pretty good at censoring those inappropriate thoughts, but every now and again, I will let one slip and piss off at least one person in the room who I feel lacks a sense of humor.
27. I'm cynical.
28. I have a very bad habit of looking people up and down when they walk in the room.
29. After doing this, I usually conclude that most of the women in the room are better looking than me.
30. But I console myself by being convinced I must be funnier and smarter than anyone prettier than me.
31. I'd like to go on believing this.
32. I am the butt of the joke for everyone that knows me.
33. People make me the butt of the joke because, apparently, it's very funny to see me worked up.
34. However, it bothers me that people always goof on me. I never say anything though because I don't want to seem like I'm being a wuss. And so I don't outwardly get as worked up as I feel inside.
35. My therapist says I exacerbate the problem with my self-deprecating humor, giving permission to virtually everyone who meets to me to goof on me.
36. I have a paralyzing fear of wide-open spaces of any kind including lakes, oceans, large empty pools, open fields, large empty rooms.
37. That's why I'm a city girl.
38. I've never left the continental United States save for one trip to Mexico.
39. I tan easily.
40. I speak Spanish fairly well, and when I was in Mexico, the people that worked there were nuts about my husband and me because he was a funny drunk white guy and I was a funny drunk girl who thought her Spanish improved with each bottle of wine she consumed.
41. I know I'm supposed to want to travel because I'm "young" and "unattached", but I'd probably be perfectly happy taking one small vacation each year to a warm place on a beach.
42. I'm disappointed in myself in this regard.
43. My all-time favorite Cubs are: Jody Davis, Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson and Greg Maddux
44. I hate everything about football, especially the sound of it; the only football I voluntarily watch is the Bears, and even then I can tolerate it only if it is on mute.
45. I go to my grandma's house every Sunday, where we eat a "dinner" at noon that consists of pasta, meatballs, sausage, salad, Diet Rite and bread. It's been the exact same meal my whole life, with very little variation in any minor detail (including the type of pasta- usually rigatoni).
46. When I was in 8th grade, I signed everyone's yearbook as follows: Love Tara, the #1 Crue fan.
47. That's because I thought I was the biggest Motley Crue fan ever.
48. I'm embarrassed by this.
49. I used to make mix tapes for my friends with Motley Crue songs on them; I probably made more mix tapes than Motley Crue deserved.
50. I think tourette's syndrome is a scream.
51. My mom is 100% Italian and my dad is half Italian/half German.
52. I don't like rich people.
53. I realized not too long ago that I will never be rich so I think that's why rich people bother me so much.
54. I will never live anywhere more than 30 miles away from Chicago.
55. If I'm ever single, I'll weed men out based on the likelihood that they'll want to move away someday. I'd sooner give up a potential soul mate than move.
56. I listen to music very loudly.
57. I used to believe people when they would console me with "Everything will work out. You'll see." Now it just pisses me off because I don't necessarily believe that anymore.
58. I started writing this post in early March because I knew I would agonize over it.
59. When I can't sleep at night, I say the alphabet backwards, which was advice I got from another blogger.
60. I am on the fence, no pun intended, on the immigration issue.
61. My hair is naturally curly, and it is dark brown.
62. My eyes are a goldish brown color.
63. My best feature is probably my skin, which is olive in color, inexplicably soft and almost always blemish-free.
64. I wore braces from 5th grade until 8th grade so my teeth are pretty straight, but not as straight as my sister's teeth because she wore her retainer more frequently than I.
65. My arch nemesis up until 6th grade was a girl named Roberta.
66. I haven't been to the dentist in 13 months.
67. I'd consider getting plastic surgery some day.
68. My students typically think of me as kind of a hardass because I don't sugarcoat things.
69. That's why I teach high school instead of junior high; most high school kids can handle constructive criticism, whereas junior high kids are sensitive wussies.
70. I taught 8th grade for one year and it was the worst year of my life as a professional educator.
71. I subbed in the Chicago Public Schools a few times in the year after I quit teaching junior high.
72. I met a midget named Jarmel who was hilarious, and I wanted to adopt him.
73. I met a kid who called me a salty cracker when I told him to sit down and be quiet. I told him I'd be mad at him if that wasn't the funniest thing I'd ever heard.
74. I met both of those kids during one day of subbing.
75. As much as I love my current students, they don't have nearly as much character as some of the kids I met as a sub in a shitty school in the Chicago Public School system.
76. I spell things backwards in my mind when I'm sitting in traffic.
77. I get virtually all of my news from National Public Radio.
78. My first job was at a banquet hall called Ripples. The owners were Greek and the son's name was Gar; I've never met anyone before of after that with the name Gar.
79. I've had many retail jobs including The Nature Company, The Gap, a boutique in Hinsdale, IL, Pottery Barn and West Elm.
80. I did have one job for 2 days before I got the job at Ripples. It was at TCBY, and I resigned after my first day because it was "too much pressure" to go to school (I was a sophomore) and work (one day/week).
81. I got 3 moving violations in one night less than 4 months after I got my license.
82. I've been pulled over 13 times, but I've only been given tickets a few times.
83. However, since I bought my Prius, I haven't been pulled over once.
84. "I've Made a Huge Mistake" is a line that was repeated frequently in the TV series "Arrested Development."
85. It doesn't apply exactly to my life because I don't think every choice I've made was a bad one, but the phrase does run through my mind every now and again.
86. I'm terrible at math.
87. I enjoy napping on the couch in the middle of the day with the fan on and the windows open.
88. I am a clean person, and I feel myself getting more anal retentive about cleanliness as I get older.
89. This might have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend is a neat freak and he is rubbing off on me.
90. I am not a pack-rat. In fact, I throw things out all the time.
91. I don't save my paycheck stubs.
92. I'm not even sure why I'm supposed to keep my paycheck stubs.
93. I don't trust people with small noses.
94. The sexiest part of a man's body is his shoulders.
95. I pee at least 10 times a day. It's not necessarily that I have to go that many times; it's more that I am terrified that I will have to go when I don't have access to a bathroom.
96. I don't feel I read often enough.
97. I went to Marquette University where I majored in journalism.
98. I loved it there, but the two facts listed in #97 are two of my biggest mistakes because I didn't ultimately go into journalism and I paid too much money to go to college.
99. I have made lots of other mistakes that I don't care to go into right now.
100. I'm so glad to be done with this list.

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