"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"

I live a short bike ride from the beach. By my estimation, the fact that Chicago even has beaches and a beautiful (albeit occasionally-polluted) lake makes Chicago a solid 14 times better than most cities, but particularly NYC. I love the beach, and I often do my tanning there*.

On days when I don't feel like biking up there and making a day out of it, I tan on the rooftop sundeck at my gym after I workout. When I went out there the other day, except for the 17 or so 9-year-old daycampers eating lunch on the benches, no one else was there. Then this guy shows up shortly after I arrived. The fact that I did not at that moment possess a spy-sized digital video camera suddenly left bottomless black hole in my soul. In other words, you'd have to see this moron to believe someone like him actually exists. He is clearly gay, but he is too deep in the closet to admit it. He acts overly masculine, saying stereotypically chauvinistic things to try to hide how gay he is. He's not fooling me though; this shaven-head and shaven-body man with a lisp and a **perfectly rock hard body is ***gayer than a three dollar bill. I'd put him at about 40-years-old, divorced and wealthy. Here is a sampling of some of the things he said to the 16 different people he talked to on his cell phone in the 30 minutes I tolerated of him, which I did for the sole purpose of collecting fodder for this blog. Keep in mind, he chose to sit two chairs away from me, even though there are about 500 open chairs on the deck. Oh, and once again, keep in mind the 17 or so 9-year-olds eating their lunch about 20 feet away from us.

Conversation 1: Hey amigo! (as if that's not annoying enough) Yeah, hey listen, I was talking to this old guy at the gym today and he said I have a real bad boy reputation here at the gym. Oh yeah! Isn't that crazy? I guess everyone thinks I'm a real badass with my shaved head.
Conversation 2: Hey baby. How are the kids? God I love those fucking kids (don't forget the 9-year-olds behind us), you know that right? Yeah that little guy is fucking awesome.
Conversation 3: Hey man! Yeah we're going to Bolero tonight (a Cuban place by my house that gave me food poisoning). Yeah. Jeff will be there, Ellen will be there. Yeah, Ellen. She's doing good. I mean the divorce is final so, you know. Oh yeah, she's a player; we're all players. Oh yeah? Well get in line because I would like to hit that piece of ass. Oh yeah man! I'd do her.
Conversation 4: Yeah I went out with that freak from Schaumburg the other night. Oh yeah she's wild. You know her sister's a porn star. Oh yeah it's hot.
Conversation 5: (to Sue Ellen Mischke, who is holding an iPod in her hand) Hey you have an iPod? I bought one for my friend and she can't seem to get it to download any music for her.
SEM: Well, do you mean she can't download any music onto it?
Him: Yeah, I guess so.
SEM: Well does she have a Mac or a PC?
Him: Huh?
SEM: A mac or a PC?
Him: What do you mean? I'm not a techie or nothing.
SEM: Well, douchebag, you don't have to be a "techie" to be able to answer this question; you simply have to be able to SEE and READ. Does her computer have a picture of an APPLE with a bite taken out of it on the machine? Or does it have the words "DELL" or "GATEWAY" or something like that on it?

Okay maybe I didn't say that, but it drained all of my energy not to say that; I had to get out of there. I waited for his next conversation to start and I hit the road. One of my other favorite overhead conversations is in my sidebar as one of my favorite posts. It's called "Bruised Ego" if you haven't read it already.
What's the best thing you've ever overheard in a phone conversation?

* no lectures please
**Dwight, you'd love him; look for him at Marketdays this weekend.
***this phrase comes from a friend of mine. He was working at a used record store, and this guy came up with a ton of Queen music he wanted to buy. Feeling self-conscious, he said, legend has it in a thick hillbilly accent, "I don't care if he's gayer than a 3-dollar bill; that Freddy Mercury can sing!"

Irrational Hatred

I wasn't pouting the whole time I was on hiatus; I had to work (gasp!) on Wednesday and Thursday. It is getting dangerously close to August, and you know what that means for teachers (well, and students, too).

Ed Burns was on the Daily Show the other day, and I was reminded how much I hate him, but I don't know what the source of the hatred is. I just don't like him. I'm one of those people that has irrational hatred for people and things. My ex used to get a good laugh at my feisty, irrational rants about one of these people or things; others do not find them so endearing. Here is a list of my Top Ten irrational hatreds (*but this one goes to 11):
1. Star Jones (in fairness, I developed this hatred years ago, when she was still fat, and there was no real reason to hate her except for the fact that her huge, ugly face took up the whole screen when she was on television and she was a pitch person for Payless Shoe Source, which I contend never made shoes that could withstand the weight of her fat ass)
2. Rush (unfortunately for me, my boyfriend LOVES Rush)
3. Steven Spielberg
4. Jane Fonda (I don't think I'm alone with this one)
5. Football
5. Pepsi products
6. Ed Burns
7. Rich people
8. Grey's Anatomy
9. Natalie Cole (the first person for whom I developed an irrational hatred; the 'duet' she created with her dead dad was truly unforgettable- and unforgivable)
10. Superman
11. This girl I see all the time at my gym (with her perfect abs, cute tennis skirts and her giant diamond ring)

Do you have an irrational hatred?

* Name that movie

-palooza

I'm feeling a little blue today. Boyfriend-palooza is over. After over two weeks vacation, my boyfriend was back to work today at midnight. That means I'm back to seeing him only 3 times/week (if I'm lucky). It's brutal. To combat the sadness I felt yesterday, I spent the day in a veritable baby-palooza, starting with Declan and June (my best friend's babies) and capping the day off with Gianna, Rosa and Anthony (nieces and new nephew). As he is only one-month old, Anthony (pictured) is the least entertaining of the bunch, but he sure is a cutie. He's one of those babies that is so clearly a boy- no need to deck him out in blue for everyone to know his gender. And with a 2-year-old and a one-year-old at home already, my sister is happy to see that Anthony is a well-behaved little sleeping machine. Rosa and Gianna were adorable as usual, and Declan can't stop telling me about the Sox game he went to a month ago. I told him someday he is going to hate me because I'm a Cubs fan, but for now he can't get enough of me. He's not even two yet, so it's pretty funny that he's already obsessed with baseball, particularly the White Sox (he hoards the remote control and flips through the channel saying "baseball" over and over again). He's one of the few people in this town who can genuinely say he did not hop on the bandwagon when they won the World Series last year.

One more baby note: One of my very good friends from college had a baby boy last week. Charles Jon. Isn't he adorable!?

All You Need is Comfortable

I got a drunk dial from an old male friend this morning. He's famous for these and we always have a good philosophical talk when I'm on the receiving end, even if it is 4:00 in the morning. He just recently started "seeing" (I am using this term loosely) a girl who finally meets many of his requirements I've been hearing about for the past two years. There is a list of personality traits his potential lovers must possess, among them are: attractive, smart, funny, nice, good family/job/head on her shoulders. Some of the girls he has dated have met all of these requirements, some of them only a few. Yet there was one requirement that had never been met since his ex, with whom he had a painful breakup a while back. She has to love good music. When I say good music, I don't mean fucking Coldplay. I mean never-make-it-to-the-radio, hard- core high brow indie rock. Let me tell you, people that like the music he likes are few and far between (hence the lack of radio airtime). Yet he has found one. He found one! She's cute, smart, funny, and owns Alien Lanes by Guided By Voices! It's unheard of (except for me of course). She gets the obscure pop culture references he makes! She laughs at his goofy sense of humor! She can appreciate a good old-fashioned guilty pleasure rock song, and she can dance like a rap video girl! What's the problem, right? He called me at 4:00 in the morning to express this concern that is, in my opinion, the best phrase of the 90s:

"I need to get out of this thing before it gets too serious. I can see myself falling in comfortable with her and getting stuck."

OH. MY. GOD. If this weren't so hilarious, it would be disturbing. This led to, of course, replacing the word "love" with the word "comfortable" in a whole shitload of songs like "Comfortable lifts us up where we belong" and "All You Need is Comfortable."
He said that he is missing that "boom" he gets when he meets a girl and wants to hook up with her right away. Yet he's had that "boom" about 16 times in the past two years, but he hasn't kept a girl around for more than 2 months. He said "She's just Jen, you know?" And I'm saying, every girl turns into "Just (insert name here)" at some point, right? (He seriously needs to re-read High Fidelity). I mean, do you seriously need to have that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling every single time you see a person to make it work? I would think that would get to be kind of annoying after a while, no? I mean, a constant nervous stomach? I think I'll pass on that. Since when did getting comfortable with someone become a bad thing?

* Here's a shout out to my readers in Darien. Great party on Saturday night; HunkyKen and I had fun. Thanks for reading, and leave a comment!

Superman Schmuperman

I saw Superman yesterday. I hated it, and I knew I would. I went to see it only because that is what my boyfriend wanted to see.
I knew I'd hate it because I hate Superman because Superman is unrealistic. Obviously he's unrealistic, right? He's a fucking superhero! But still, I prefer to see some kind of vulnerability in my superheroes. Oh sure there's Superman's vulnerability to Kryptonite, but seriously, that's one minor vulnerability and the only person who seems to be able to get his hands on it is Lex Luthor, who is Superman's only enemy because everyone LOVES Superman! Superman can do anything, and for that, I hate him. In the movie, he flies into the core of the fucking Earth and actually LIFTS and ENTIRE landmass out of the ocean (a landmass laced with the supposedly formidable kryptonite by the way) and LAUNCHES it into space. There's nothing this man can't do. And, by the way, the Superman of this film can actually come in contact with Kryptonite without losing power, whereas the Superman of Smallville can't so much as be in the room with it without causing him to double over in what appears to be extraordianry pain. And, of course, there's the fact that Clark Kent is so obviously Superman. Glasses? That's it? Everyone knows what Superman looks like because he's banging the only female news reporter in Metropolis, and his face is completely exposed when he swoops in to save the day. He doesn't even wear a hat much less a mask! And I'm expected to believe that putting on a pair of khakis and nerdy frames is enough to fool anyone, much less Lois? Which brings me to my final point: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane was intolerable. She might be the worst actress ever.
My favorite superhero is Batman because he's human, a little dark and disturbed, usually hot and drives a cool car. Who is your favorite superhero and why?

OGM pet peeve

I'm probably going to offend a few people with this below rant, but I have to get it off my chest, (don't worry; it won't take long). The first time I discovered this pet peeve was probably about 10 years ago when I heard the below offense on the answering machine outgoing message of my then aunt. I've since met several people whose outgoing message has caused me the same discomfort every time I have to hear it. I won't lie to you and say that I love all of the people that do it. Most of the people that do this are fine people. A few others, however, are exactly the kind of people I would expect to do it....
It bothers me when a person says "have a nice day!" at the end of his/her outgoing message on voicemail. The most obvious problem with this closing is the complication that arises when the call comes in at nighttime. Then the 'have a nice day' is not only annoying, but also inappropriate. In addition to being time-sensitive, it's also artificially positive. I don't believe that any person could seriously want to wish a nice day to every single person that calls, especially with telemarketers now actually having the gall to leave voicemail. What if the person listening to your outgoing message is calling you for the fifth time that day to feed you a line of BS that you might be the winner of a vacation to an exotic place? Or worse, what if it's a potential employer calling to tell you they decided not to give you the job of your dreams, or a boyfriend/girlfriend calling to break up with you? Would you not regret having wished those people a good day on your outgoing message?

It's probably weird that I feel so good having gotten that off my chest.

Toner

As I've mentioned before, I got a new roommate last month. Her name is Kelley. To say that Kelley is different from Michael, my previous roommate, would be an understatement. They couldn't be more different, but I love them both anyway.

Getting a new roommate makes me more aware of my quirks. It's just another person in the room when I am at my dumbest, my funniest, my most brilliant, or, more often than not, my craziest. Tonight, I had a moment where Kelley questioned a step in my beauty routine, making me think twice about my habits.

I never thought of myself as needing a lot of products to maintain my hair and skin. But when Michael moved in last year, I was amazed at his multi-layered beauty routine, and I feared I wasn't doing enough, or rather spending enough, for my skin and hair. That's where the Aveda obsession started. So now I have Aveda face wash, makeup remover and eye cream in addition to all the hair products. I know the purpose of all these products (cleanse, remove, tighten and clean/curl/tame respectively). But there is one step in my beauty routine whose purpose is suddenly baffling. I use toner. All I know about toner is that I spritz it on my face after I cleanse but before I apply eye cream and moisturizer. I bought it because Michael had it, and I figured if a gay man uses it, it must be a necessary* step to making me beautiful. Kelley was scrutinizing my product assortment tonight, and here's what happened:

Kelley: (sorting through Sue Ellen's 12 products in the medicine cabinet to make room for her two products; holding the toner) What's this stuff?
Sue Ellen: (horrified that Kelley is not familiar with this essential step in the beauty routine) It's toner.
Kelley: What's it do?
Sue Ellen: (suddenly horrified that she doesn't have an answer to this question) Ummm... it... tones.
Kelley: (silence)
Sue Ellen: (loudly now) IT... you know ... TONES!
Kelley: (laughing) Does saying it louder mean it makes sense?

Now I feel like an ass because I've went and purchased something whose purpose is mysterious at best. I blame it on Michael. See what happens when you live with a gay? He turned me into product-hoarding floozy who will buy anything that supposedly **increases skins moisture level' and 'brings instant refreshment to dry skin.'


* I've since realized that this is flawed logic.
** After this "a-ha moment", I looked up the purpose on the Aveda website. It doesn't make me feel any better.

The Fall from Grace

There are few things I enjoy more than watching a celebrity fall apart. My favorite fall from grace, of course, is Brittany Spears. But a fall from grace needn't be as dramatic as Brittany's to satiate my need for a celebrity train-wreck. I even enjoy the more subtle declines, such as when a particular celebrity is on every channel, magazine cover and in every gossip column, then makes a shitty movie and, finally, suddenly disappears (ala Jennifer Lopez). But the dramatic steep decline into "hot mess" territory is clearly the most fun to watch, and Brittany has outdone herself with hers. I saw a portion of Matt Lauer's Brittany interview, but no matter how much I love the fall from grace, I can tolerate only so much of that girl. I did stick around long enough to hear her "We're country" excuse for driving around with her son on her lap. If I was from the "country", I'd be headed to the city to save myself from having anything in common with Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline.

What's your favorite celebrity fall from grace?

And now, Mr. Lipton, I'm ready for my interview.

I TiVo "Inside the Actor's Studio." I watch it only if I find the guest interesting, such as this previous week when Dustin Hoffman was on (for 2 hours for the 200th episode, which was a bit much even if you like Mr. Hoffman). My favorite part is the final 10 questions James Lipton asks his guests. I suspect most of the guests prepare for this, but they always make it seem like they didn't know this part was coming. Hmmm... my favorite word? I never thought of that. Sure you didn't. Anyway, because I sense that my acting career is on the verge of taking off, I thought I should get cracking on the 10 questions for my appearance on the Actor's Studio.

What is your favorite word? Requisite*
What is your least favorite word? moist
What turns you on? a nice smile
What turns you off? bad teeth
What is your favorite curse word? Fuck (obviously)
What sound or noise do you love? City noises (cars, sirens, horns, the occasional bird, busses...)
What sound or noise do you hate? football
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? celebrity stylist
What profession would you not like to do? stay-at-home mom**
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? You're family is waiting for you in the kitchen; grandma's pasta is served in 5 minutes.

I won't burden anyone in particular with a "tag" here, but I would love it if anyone who reads this would answer at least one of the questions.

* I don't know why I like this word; I just like the way it sounds. I also like the word auspicious.
** If you are a stay-at-home mom, please don't be offended by this.